Up there with Dengue and intense PMS, Singlewomanitis is an illness no Pakistani parent wants their daughter to suffer from. The Mad Cow of the human world, Singlewomanitis can range from mild to severe.
Singlewomanitis is usually temporary and nothing to worry about in most cultures around the world, though it is a cause for concern in the Pakistani society. Like dabbling in a drug rather than being addicted to it, the mild stage is more about satisfying curiosity than a serious concern. It is easily reversible, but there is always the risk of losing a female at this stage. The problem arises when a female gets attached to her Singlewomanitis and the high she gets from it. She may not realize the extent of her addiction until it’s too late.
Signs of Chronic Singlewomanitis
• Awkwardness at social occasions: telling people your age resulting in a long pause in the conversation. Making people wonder what is wrong with you because you’re as old as you are and still single. A chronic singlewomanitis sufferer talking openly about her singlewomanitis is the equivalent of a prolonged electric shock for most Pakistani people.
• You can’t stop yourself from being single, even if you want to. You stay single even though it makes bad things happen in your life, like trouble with friends, family, work, or even the law.
• People tend to give you more work than your married colleagues and expect you to work around the clock because you are not engaged or married. And because YOU’RE NOT NICE, YOU SINGLE WOMAN. Singlewomanitis means an automatic lack of male ownership, which means people are not obligated to be nice to you. Insulting you is not an insult to anyone else. Certainly not if you’re an older Singlewomanitis sufferer.
• Seesawing emotions: feeling good and then, really, really bad about feeling good. Being anxious and confused about why you feel good about yourself when everyone else thinks you should be depressed, unhappy, bitter, or all three.
• When you suffer from singlewomanitis for a long time, it can cause permanent changes in brain’s chemical balance and circuits, impairing your judgment, decision making, and the ability to change yourself to please others (i.e. men).
FUN FACT: Changing to please others is a highly coveted female personality trait in most societies around the world. In Pakistan, older women often tell younger women that if they stay single too long, they will lose this magical ability.
Likelihood of Recovery:
Singlewomanitis can take over your life. You can get used to not dealing with excruciating stress or become addicted to not having to deal with the added responsibilities that come with being married. You could get addicted to being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. All this is extremely dangerous. You are now officially a danger to society and its ways.
Different Stages and Recovery Potential
MILD: Over 24-25 years old
The potential for recovery- 69 %
SERIOUS: Over 26-27 years old
The potential for recovery- 35 %
PROBABLY FATAL: Over 28 years old
The potential for recovery- 6% (likely to reduce with each passing year)
Are People with Singlewomanitis Usually Armed?
If they are in a long-term ‘relationship’ that hasn’t turned into a commitment despite years of effort, yes.
Who Gets Singlewomanitis?
Out of all the innocent little girls that are born into the world, which ones are most likely to suffer from Singlewomanitis as adults? This is a question that has plagued many scientists, psychologists, and pharmacists around the world. It is easier to obtain prescriptions for antidepressants from doctors for women in general, and (here I’m making an educated guess) even easier for sufferers of singlewomanitis. They need not explain — the world is ready to give them antidepressants. Because they’re single.
Psychologists have suggested that singlewomanitis is often a side effect of the inability to settle.
How Common Is Singlewomanitis in Pakistan?
We can’t know for sure as it is often kept secret or not discussed, but there is no doubt that the epidemic has been on the rise since the past decade. We may need to battle it head on just like we did with Dengue.
Can Singlewomanitis Be Prevented in Time?
Absolutely. Depends on the sufferer’s ability to care more about society’s expectations than she does about herself.